the chinese room

i just read dear's fiancee's blog.
and one post got me thinking.
maybe i don't know who it was for.
but it got me thinking.

i know tat there are a couple of people there who continually wait for me.
to open up to them.
to let them be there for me.
cause nessa can be the most stubborn girl in the world.
maybe i'm afraid.
maybe i'm scared.
that you all won't be just as accepting.
after i let go of this charade.
or will you go crazy if i told you the truth.
pet.
callisa.
or even varian.

but don't you realise that you're already more than a friend?
by giving me joy in my heart.
colours in my life.
and forget my worries.
everysingle moment i am with you.

i know i never contact you first.
but just know that i'm always in your heart.
and my word.
then the next time i feel down.
you'll be the one to hold me.
even if you don't want me to.
i would run to you.


so the past few days got me thinking as well.

what makes a good relationship?
everyone knows that there is no such thing as a perfect relationship.
but isn't part of a realtionship meaning that you accept the other party for who they are?
and loving them for who they are and not who you want them to be?
isn't it about growing together?
and when it comes to catholics like us.
involving God in our relationship?
isn't it about make changes in yourself to make ths relationship even better?
to try your best to make it perfect.

well, i think it means being giving and selfish at the same time.
relationships can bring out the best and the worst out of people.
it can break you or it can make you.
but never say i love you unless you damn fucking sure you do love that person.

nessa has been in a few relationships.
a couple were good.
and some just ended like shit.
but the one thing that nessa never did during all of these.
was to think about what ifs.
the one thing i was proud and not so proud of.
was to give everything i had into it.
and experiance it whole.
it was good in such a way.
that the joy i had was boundless.
the bad thing?
you get heartbreak.
the full blown effect.

when it comes to relationships,
nessa likes to be pampered.
but she pampers too.
and nessa puts the one she loves first.
i don't know why.
but she does.
nessa get naive.
and dumb.
but still.
she gives all she had.
nessa wants someone she can trust.
with everything she got.


you;
i don't know how i'm going to say this to you.
but.
i don't think i'm ready to start anything with you.
because you don't know me for who i am.
pet, callisa, varien.
and alot more.
my darkened past.
my twisted mind.
what you see the exterior.
you don't see me for who i really am.
which is why this clearly won't work.
i'll just have to see if this is worth it.
before i give this a shot.
before i give us a shot.


nessa is walking on the haze.
i wanted to say walking on clouds.
but.
the haze is killing and irritating me.
but nessa had a nice chat with someone who has a stupid name.
foodstuffs.
i think his imagination died.
gosh.
its been long since i've actually talked on the phone.
no matter who it is.
cause i've been coming home late in the morning cause of work.
but last night.
i had no work.
and i actually wanted to sleep.
but nessa was talking on the phone until like almost three in the morning.
and nessa had to wake some pig up.
haha.
then she couldn't wake up.
mummy got really pissed at me.
haha.
oh well.
i don't really care.
i got work tomorrow.
and hopefully watch a movie after that!
whee!
finally.
a movie.
its been so long.
so lets jsut go and watch a movie at the largest cinema there is at vivocity.
and comedy.
and eat carls jr.
and be fat!
like what shabin said.

i'm sorry bestfriend!
that i lost so much of weight.
and uncle tim too.
but this is bound to happen when you lose weight.
i think i shall change the fats to muscles.
so i won't look skinny.
i'll look healthy.
but i don't think i'm skinny.

i'm not la.
haha.
but i shall be fatter for you all.

nessa is hungry.
and she should go and eat now.
but she shall post a song before that.


i used to know you like the back of my hand.
until today you held your place.
now you're shifting the sand.
your cheast would heave with pride if i were spoken of.
till tonight i never knew the difference between comfort and love.
although you're sleeping right next to me.
well, it feels like you are wide awake in a distant fream.
leading a life that is finally free.
of these endless nights and countless fights that turn us into who we hate to be.
this is so difficult for the both of us.
i know we tried so hard, there's just no hope for us.
well its not than a shame that we lost this game.
all my walking, talking, sleeping breathing-
nothing will ever be the same.
i used to hole you like its all that i had.
now begins the falling out, we are like a passing fad.
your mouth would crack a smile if i were spoken of.
till tonight you never thought.
you'd lose this epic battle with love.
for what its worth, i've always admired you.
i always thought that we could make it through.
now look what time can do.
it took our masterpeice we builts and broke it in tow.
i always believed in you.
i always loved you.


i think nessa is being done reflective.
and its not often nessa gets to this.
she shall go back to being dumb.
and keep myself away from emo stuff.